I became a first-time driver at the age of 39. How Motherhood Helped Me Overcome My Fear.

Hey Mama!

I’m not scared of many things. My fears have mostly consisted of feet, clowns, and spiders. But my biggest fear? Driving. What is considered a rite of passage for teenagers has been a source of anxiety and terror for all of my adult life. That was until this year. 

In April, I decided once and for all that it was time for me to conquer my fears and get behind the wheel. I studied for my written test and obtained my permit, and from there, I practiced driving every Friday with my mom on the passenger side and Sweet Pea in the backseat. And in June, I not only got my license, but two weeks after, purchased my first car. 

But let’s go back for a second. 

Let me tell you the story of what led to my fear of driving, and how motherhood helped me overcome it. 

Back in high school, I, like many teenagers, looked forward to getting my permit and taking driver’s ed. I practiced driving with my parents and envisioned myself driving my own car to and from wherever I needed to go. On the day our instructor was to sign off on us to take our driving tests, he took one look at what I was wearing and said that I would have to start over. Why? Because I was wearing flip-flops. And that my foot could slip out of my shoe while driving and potentially cause an accident. 

I was upset at first. But I decided to channel that energy into something else: college. That happened to be the summer before I started my senior year, so I put driving on the back burner while I focused on getting into the school of my choice and finding a way to pay for it. 

While in college, I didn’t care much about driving. I just wanted to maintain my scholarship, graduate on time, and land my dream job afterward. Oh, and of course, party hard and enjoy that first taste of adulthood. And I did all of that. Until I unexpectedly had to move back home to Chicago a year and a half after graduating. 

What one would consider a setback, I thought of it as a setup. My priority was to get my license and buy a car. 

So, I just as I did in high school, I studied for my permit and went out driving with my parents. As I became more comfortable with being behind the wheel, I felt it was time to take my test. However, a few days before my test date, I got into my first car accident.

It became custom for me to drive to and from wherever we were going, so after leaving dinner one night, my stepdad handed me the keys, and we all piled into my mom’s minivan. Things were going well until a teenager came out of nowhere and decided to make a left turn right in front of me. The problem was that I was already in the middle of the intersection and couldn’t stop in time to prevent the accident from happening. 

Airbags deployed and windows shattered. Thankfully, we only sustained some minor bruising and swelling, but the car was totaled. And that’s where my fear started. 

I was terrified to sit in the front seat after the accident, so getting behind the wheel just wasn’t an option. And each time I went through an intersection, it was as if I couldn’t breathe. 

As time went on, that fear gradually decreased until I felt I was ready to try driving again. But each time I thought about driving, I got into an accident. 

One time, I was with friends and someone ran into the back of us, and I happened to be sitting in the backseat. Then, I was out with a friend and we hit a pedestrian. Oh, and there was that one time I got into an accident in a Lyft. And how could I forget about that time I got into an accident on the bus. Yes, you read that right. I was on my way to work, reading a magazine, when a car drove straight into the bus.

It was as if driving just wasn’t in the cards for me, and was instantly traumatized whenever the words “Racquel” and “driving” were in the same sentence. I wanted no part of it. 

Over time, when the topic of driving would come up, I would jokingly tell people that it would take me becoming a mother to overcome my fear. I guess God heard me say that one time too many, because after giving birth, He made me eat my words.   

A few weeks before Sweet Pea’s first birthday, I was still deep into postpartum depression and crying on the phone with my mother about how lonely and isolated I felt. She asked if I thought it was time to drive, and I instantly started trembling. It was the first time I ever said out loud just how scared I was. And what intensified that fear was the possibility of getting into an accident with my baby in the car.

But each day that I couldn’t freely take my child out made me feel like I was doing her a disservice. I couldn’t take her to the park, visit friends and family, go on playdates, or anything. It wasn’t until earlier this year, when my postpartum depression reached its peak, that I knew it was time. I was overwhelmed, overstimulated, and in a constant state of survival mode from caring for Sweet Pea while working. So, I put on my big girl panties, stopped letting my fears get the best of me, and got behind the wheel. 

Each time I went out driving, I felt more comfortable and more confident. And each time Sweet Pea shouted from the backseat, “Mommy’s driving,” or “That’s great driving, Mommy,” or my personal favorite, “Good job, Baby,” I felt more and more proud of myself.

A friend asked if I was scared to practice driving with Sweet Pea in the car with me, and without hesitation, I told her no. My daughter, though she will never remember this, witnessed her mom overcome her biggest fear. And when I tell her this story as she gets older, she can use it as a source of inspiration and strength. Because of what I did, she will always know that she can accomplish anything. And that faith and fear cannot reside in the same place.

I set a goal for myself that by Sweet Pea’s second birthday (July 7th) I would have both my license and a car. On Friday, June 13th, I got my license and, on Saturday, June 28th, I drove off the lot in a 2017 Ford Edge that I named “Marshmallow.” And I’m happy to say that I am a better mom because of it. 

Since buying my car, Sweet Pea has started daycare, and we don’t have to worry about who’s going to drop her off and pick her up because I can do it. And it feels good knowing that when she asks to go bye-bye, I can take her wherever she wants to go. I no longer have to depend on anyone for our fun or to simply go outside and get some air. 

My driving has also done wonders for my relationship. Because quiet as it’s kept, I think my lover is more excited about me driving than anyone else. Especially since the responsibility to go and from no longer resides solely on him. He can sit back and rest while I take Sweet Pea out, along with now having the option of being a passenger prince. And having two cars in our household doesn’t hurt either. 

I owe this accomplishment to so many people. To my mom for helping me get more comfortable behind the wheel. My stepdad for being a sounding board when I asked about different cars. My dad and stepmom for graciously contributing to the down payment for my car. To my cousin for not just selling me my first car, but knowing exactly what I needed before I knew what I wanted. To my lover, who was so patient with me and believed in me and grounded me when I started spiraling. And to my Sweet Pea, who cheered me on and unknowingly gave me the motivation to get out there and give driving a try one more time. 

For some, motherhood is the scariest, most challenging thing anyone could do. But for me, it has become my superpower. It empowers me to show up, reminds me that I can do hard things, and proves that my fears are no match for my determination to do whatever I need to do to create a beautiful life for me and my family.

So, here’s to being a better mom, to believing in my higher self, and to showing up as her one fear at a time. 

With Love,

Racquel