What I Want My Daughter to Know About Real Self-Care
Hey Mama!
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about self-care? For many of us, it’s spa days, bubble baths, shopping, and mani-pedis. And while I do love a good massage and my monthly nail appointment, self-care is more than that. It’s the boundaries you set, the choices you make, and how you fill your cup back up after it’s been drained. And now, as I raise my daughter, I’m choosing to do things differently.
Growing up, I don’t know that I saw many examples of self-care exhibited by the women in my life. I mean, sure, I was taught to keep myself up, make sure I always looked my best, be respectful, and carry myself like a young lady. But the actual act of putting yourself first was seldom displayed. In fact, it was viewed as being selfish.
Now, that’s not to knock the women in my life. They came from a different time where they had to put themselves on the back burner in order to prioritize the needs of those around them. They simply could not afford to pause to pour back into themselves. And as an end result, were always tired, always burned out, and sometimes, left feeling depleted.
For a time, I was modeling those same behaviors until somewhere in my early to mid-30s when I was forced to really take inventory of my life and the direction I was headed. Without going into too much detail, I was carrying too much and unhappy, and needed to make some immediate changes to live the soft, full, and fruitful life that I currently live.
Fast forward to the present day, it is even more important for me to embrace self-care and model what it looks like for my daughter, Sweet Pea. She deserves a life filled with beauty, grace, and ease. Even during times of uncertainty, chaos, and destruction. And the only way for her to learn what that looks like is by being her first example.
So, here are 10 self-care lessons for my daughter.
As a Black woman, it is not your responsibility to be everyone’s caretaker. You don’t have to do all and be all for everyone. You don’t have to put your plans on hold for everyone. You don’t have to step in and do the job someone else is more qualified to do. It’s not your responsibility, nor is it your load to carry.
Don’t set yourself on fire so everyone can stay warm. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to be helpful. It’s okay to be nice and say yes. But it’s not okay to suppress your own thoughts, feelings, desires, and emotions for the approval and the appeasement of others. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to enforce boundaries. Because boundaries are love.
Let your Plan B be your Plan A. Faith and fear cannot reside in the same space. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, have faith, and always believe in supernatural blessings and unexpected miracles.
Don’t wait to live the life you want. Life is to be lived now, not later. So, give yourself permission to fully live.
Listen to your body. Rest is not something you earn, nor is it a luxury. Rest is not a reward, nor is it something you put off for later. Rest is healthy. Rest is needed. Rest is productive. Rest is freedom. If your body is calling you to rest, honor that call.
Good enough is better than perfect. Don’t waste time trying to be something that none of us are, nor will ever be. Know that your perceived imperfections are what make you uniquely you. And that your mistakes don’t define you. They are here to help you grow.
Stand in your truth. Be who you are, not who the world expects you to be.
Crying is not a weakness. Crying is therapy. Crying is a release. Crying is restorative. Crying is strengthening. Crying is normal. Let your tears flow.
Forgive yourself just as you forgive others. Why we are so forgiving to others, but don’t keep that same energy for ourselves is something I will never understand. But know that you are not your previous mistakes and do not have to carry the shame of your past with you. Give yourself that same grace and understanding that you freely give away.
Love yourself enough to walk away. If it no longer serves you, walk away. If it is unhealthy, walk away. If it does not bring out the best in you, walk away. If it disrupts your peace and robs you of your joy and your happiness, walk away. If it is harmful to your mind, your body, and your spirit, walk away. Choose you.
And here’s one more:
Words mean things. Be mindful of how you talk to yourself. And be mindful of how you speak about yourself to others. You live by the words you speak. So, when talking about yourself, let your words embody love, light, beauty, and positivity.
My daughter deserves the absolute best. And part of that means making sure that she’s not left having to figure out what goes into her self-care toolbox when she gets older. So, I’m happy to have gone through it so that I can begin building it for her today.
Because self-care isn’t just for me. It’s a legacy I’m leaving behind for Sweet Pea and the generations that follow.
With Love,
Racquel