Toddlers Are Gonna Toddler: 10 Toddler Behaviors I Refuse to Apologize For
"If my toddler’s meltdown in Target makes you uncomfortable, you might want to shop online. I’m not raising a people-pleaser. I’m raising a human who knows what she wants… even if it is the green fork, and not the pink one.”
Hey Mama!
Let’s talk toddlers. They’re feisty. Independent. Have great boundaries. And even bigger feelings. They want what they want, when they want it, and sometimes after getting it, realize they no longer want it anymore. And oftentimes, because of their consistent inconsistencies and strong personalities, it’s easy to find yourself apologizing for just about everything they do.
“Sorry my child’s having yet another meltdown.”
“Sorry she doesn’t want to share her crackers.”
“Sorry she doesn’t want a hug.”
“Sorry she just said “no” with the conviction of a world leader.”
But after offering more “sorries” than the world should allow, I have vowed to stop. Because afterall, my toddler isn’t doing anything wrong, she’s simply being a toddler. She's finding her way. Discovering her voice. And learning how to develop the same autonomy that we all have the right to freely express.
And you know what, I won’t apologize for that.
So, here’s a list of toddler behaviors I refuse to apologize for. And hopefully after reading this list maybe, you’ll stop apologizing too.
Big feelings, smaller bodies. If your child is anywhere between the ages of infant to 4 years old, chances are, you’ve watched internet sensation, toddler whisperer, and unofficial third parent (in my household, at least), Ms. Rachel. She has a little song called Big Feelings, and in that song, she reminds children that big feelings are okay. And when it comes to toddlers, she’s absolutely right. Though I may not understand my child’s 100th meltdown of the day, I never want her feelings to be invalidated, nor do I want her to go through life thinking that she isn’t entitled to feel what she is feeling. Now, will I teach her how to manage her emotions? Absolutely. But while she is at an age where she’s learning how to feel and express her emotions, even the messy ones, I want her to know that they are all allowed to exist.
Saying “no.” We can all learn a thing or two from toddlers about boundaries. Afterall, they say “no” like it’s their superpower. And honestly? It is. In fact, it should be all our superpower. As Sweet Pea is discovering boundaries and autonomy, and I want her to know that her “no” matters. Even when it’s inconvenient for me and even when she’s saying “no” just for the sake of saying it. Like they told us when we were younger, “No means no.” And if I want to raise a strong, confident child, who is sure of herself and her decisions, it starts by respecting her “no” (within reason) and making sure that others respect it too.
Needing time to warm up. Even though they are small, toddlers have this unique ability to read a room and weed out the good energy from the bad. These little people know who’s safe to go to, who to stay away from, and who they need to feel out a little more. So, please don’t mistake my child’s intuition and judge of character for rudeness. She’s practicing discernment. And I won’t apologize for her taking the time (however long it may be) to feel safe.
Refusing affection. No, my daughter doesn’t owe you a hug, kiss, high-five, or fist bump. Not even me. And I’m not apologizing for her not wanting to give or receive affection from anyone. It’s her body, her choice. Learning that starts now.
Making a mess. There’s toys and books all over the floor. Stuffed animals and throw blankets all over the place. Dried food on the table and floor surrounding where she’s eaten. And letter magnets, balls, and puzzle pieces in places I don’t even want to think about. But I’ve learned that toddlers learn and explore through messiness (much to my chagrin). So if you come to my home and can’t see the floor or have to make space on the couch to sit down, please know that I’m raising my own little explorer. You’ll just have to make sure to come by on the day I’ve cleaned up.
Meltdowns in public. Quick storytime… One day I was in Walmart with my mother, and Sweet Pea was screaming so loud that I could hear her on the opposite side of the store. I quickly wrapped up what I was doing and ran to her and relieve my mother (and the other customers) of her screams and wails. Once I got to her, I immediately began apologizing for her loud outburst and felt embarrassed for her actions and guilty for not getting to her quickly to attend to whatever she needed. My mother stopped me mid-apology and told me she’s a toddler, and that’s what toddlers do. In that moment I realized that her meltdown could have been for a multitude of reasons. She may have been hungry, sleepy, overwhelmed, or just wanted to get out the cart and move around. All very normal feelings. And at her age, a very normal reaction. From that day, I vowed to never apologize again for any future public meltdown and I won’t shrink in embarrassment and guilt. Because empathy will do more for her, that my apologies ever could.
Wanting independence (even when it takes forever). I love watching my daughter discover her independence. But at times, it takes forever and can come at the worst possible time. Especially when trying to get out the door or get ready for bedtime. However, the independence that she’s displaying is a glimpse into who she’s becoming. Someone who is capable, confident, and sure of herself. So while I wish she would hurry up, or just let me do it for her, I’ll make sure to pad in some additional time to give her the space to do what she’s going to do.
Having strong opinions. She wants the green fork, not the pink one. She wants to wear her new shoes out of the store. She doesn’t want to take anymore pictures. She would rather “eat her milk” with her spoon, than just drink it from her bowl. She’s not being difficult. She’s not doing this on purpose to aggravate me. She's learning to trust her voice and be confident in her wants. Something I hope she never loses.
Not sharing on demand. I hate when people see Sweet Pea enjoying a snack or drinking her water and playfully ask if they can have some, and get low key offended when she tells them “no.” Or try to guilt her into sharing by saying, “I’m going to remember that.” I get trying to teach her how to share, but she shouldn’t feel compelled to share everything just because someone asked. As adults, we don’t share everything just because someone wants it (God knows I don’t), so why do we think it’s okay to make children feel like they have to. Learning generosity takes time, not guilt. So no, I’m not going to make my child share on demand. I’m going to teach her about sharing and let her decide if she wants to share her things or not.
Just being a toddler. Curious, loud, emotional, stubborn, imaginative, independent, and silly. Toddlers are going to toddler (and my toddler is toddler’ing extra hard right now), and I won’t apologize for any of it. Because one day, all these traits will grow into empathy, creativity, care, compassion, and strength, and I want her to know she was powerful, even at a young age, and never “too much.”
Here’s the truth, the more I stop apologizing for her, the more I stop apologizing for myself (more on that later). Because motherhood isn’t about raising quiet, compliant children, it’s about raising whole and powerful human beings. And that, my fellow moms, is something that I refuse to apologize for.
With Love,
Racquel